so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
