hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
