Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize