You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
