He is like the real live version of the state fair..
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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