I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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