Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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