She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
