Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
