Don't you send me to vm
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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