I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
