Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
