I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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