i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
