I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
