Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
