It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize