I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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