He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize