Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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