WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
