She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
