So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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