dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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