I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
