the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Let's get the cat blown out
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
