bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
