have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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