There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
