We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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