I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
