I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
