Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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