im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
