My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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