Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
