I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
