I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
