New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
