That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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