I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize