It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
