someone threw a dead crab at me
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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