I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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