Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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