Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
