either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
