This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
