i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
