I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
