I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
