I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
