i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
