Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
