During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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