I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
