where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
