It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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