Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
