I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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