you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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